 |
 |
 |
 |
| It’s about 1:58 a.m. my time right now. I have about another two to three hours of work to do before I get to bed. I was cleaning out my old voicemail messages and came across yours (I saved it from when you called on Sunday). I shouldn’t be writing you right now, I should be trying to finish up this crap so I can take my black ass to bed. But… I don’t know, I guess I was just compelled to say something to you right now. I think it was your laugh. Yeah… I think that was it.
I’ve been a little scattered lately. I wrote a little about it on my blog. I’ve just been all over the place for quite sometime now, mentally, spiritually, sexually, creatively, I’ve been random and inconsistent. One night a couple of months ago a friend of mine and I were accosted by these radical bible thumpers on the Santa Monica Pier. They had this big presentation laid with a mock coffin and mock blood and a mannequin corpse inside that represented the price we all will pay for our sins. The group split in two with a gaggle of guys loudly going bible verse for bible verse with my friend while I was stuck having a rather sedate conversation with a rather attractive young woman… who though looked a tad Mexican was actually Jewish… or maybe she was Mexican Jewish Christian or something, I guess anything’s possible… Rosita Goldberg Phelps I guess. I think sometimes you have to say your beliefs in order to solidify them. I have millions thoughts on God and humanity and religion but I never really coagulated them in any form. Talking with Rosita Goldberg was the first time I actually gave birth to my beliefs, making the intangible real. Just like a baby is born from thought then fertilization then to term; my belief system (or disbelief system as it were) was sparked, gestated and landed at our feet, bloody but none the worse for wear. I believe in God. I don’t believe in Jesus Christ, which is a direct result from my disbelief in organized religion as a whole. I’ve always thought it to be just a crock straight white male politicians thought up to make everybody feel shitty about themselves. “Jesus died on the cross for your sins… what the fuck have YOU done with your life dude?!” I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. You’re probably a deeply involved Christian and here I am making pot shots at Jesus… I didn’t mean to offend you. The point is, I don’t believe in religion. Though I do believe in a higher power and I do believe that Higher Power to be God and I pray because I don’t really know how else to contact her, to let her know that I’m grateful and to keep up the good work; all of which did not sit well with Rosita AT ALL. But I spoke from the heart. While my friend was defending the interpretation of the Bible, I was really speaking directly from by fingerprints, and I know exactly what THEY say. At the end, I told her that it was nice talking to her and that if I see her on the street I would hope that she would acknowledge me and say hello and that I don’t think she is a bad person or even wrong in her beliefs. Her response, “Oh, I’m not worried about my soul and just because you’re going to hell doesn’t mean you can’t have your belief system” … which oddly enough turned me on sexually... All of that to say, I think she put a root on me. I haven’t been quite right ever since that little tête-à-Tête. I think I drew a line in the sand and the universe has been telling me, “hey if you want to go against the grain, you go right ahead, but don’t look at me for help, I don’t want Jesus mad at me too!” So I’ve been walking around, sort of all over the place, swimming in the middle of the sea, hoping land will be coming up soon. And I think it will. No, I’m positive it will. As blasphemous as I may seem… I do have faith… and that has to count for something. I think once I get a few things in order... things will slowly seem more connected and unified again. I’m taking a few days off from work and driving up to San Francisco for a little R & R. That always helps. Maybe if I play my cards right, I’ll actually get a chance to talk to you this weekend while I’m up there. That always helps too. By the way, you teach little kids or at a University? What do you teach? There is so much more I want to know about you. I’m not sure why. Scattered. See… I’m just scattered. No, it’s the laugh. It’s definitely the laugh. And the smile. Be good -Breeze |